I have completely neglected you, My Little Darlings. I’m about to start college back up this upcoming week and in true booknerd fashion, I have been binge reading because I know I wont have as much time when school starts. Today I thought I was gonna go with an “easy” entry. I am due for another book review and I was on The Maze Runner Series, but my mind went “screw it, I’m gonna talk about what’s on really rolling around in my head.” For the past six months I have been in a religious crisis and I feel like I am on the brink of losing my mind. So, I’ve gotta get out some of this pent up energy about the subject.
I grew up in a Christian home, but my family weren’t “active believers”. We went to church some Sundays, but that was the extent of it. Once upon a time my mom was very active in her church community, but this was before I even came into the picture. I have my own horror stories about my childhood, as most people do and frankly, it’s not worth getting into right now. This isn’t about my testimony. So, fast forward to high school and I actually start believing in God and Jesus. I start praying and reading my bible. Getting to know this God. I went to a church that was massively screwed up and I managed to, not only escape but not become angry with God in the process. I was very aware that people make their own decisions and God isn’t to blame for their bad choices. By this time I felt like I had started to get to know his heart and I knew that what they were doing and how they were treating people wasn’t a reflection of it.
For a while I floated around until I settled in Kansas City. I found a good, stable church with plenty of flaws, as all churches have. I was “on top of the world” and loving it. I felt sure of myself and sure of my faith. The saying, “ignorance is bliss” comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t believe in God or Jesus, but after my best friend started questioning what she believed and whether or not God really did exist, all these questions and doubts started surfacing. Then I went through a massive heart break and it was like I was one, big, gaping wound. All this sent me into a spiral that I haven’t really been able to fully recover from as of yet.
The insane thing is that I still really love God and Jesus. Call me a sheep or a mindless robot, but my life is better when He is involved and I don’t want it any other way. However, I can’t ignore the questions and doubts. It’s not in me to sweep them under the rug and act like they don’t exist, even though it scares the ever-loving crap out of me. I’m choosing to look at this in a positive light. This is an opportunity to make my beliefs my own. To have ownership over what it is that I claim to believe. Especially because this is what I have built my life on.
This has probably been the hardest and most torturous thing I have ever gone through. There are times I honestly wish I could go back to when I was sure and solid; but I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason, so I don’t think all that’s been stirred up is purely coincidental. If it were than what would be the f*$king point? What would be the point of any of it? I might as well stop breathing.
It boils down to this, I’ve meet some crappy Christians and I know great ones. Yes, there are “rules”, but I see the point. The logic behind certain things He wants us to refrain from, for our own good. I have tested it. I have seen and met the consequences. There are a lot of opinions out there. I still have to filter through the BS, the doctrines that were created in the gray areas. Things that people want to stand on as absolute truth and make them nooses around people’s necks. There are definite grey areas and then there are things that are purely black and white. Not everything I understand and it definitely does take a level of faith to keep going and keep believing. What I want is peace and assurity in my own heart. I want to live simply; and I to whittle it down to these two profound principles, Love God and Love People.