50 Shades of Pain

I’m an award winning ranter. I mean I should get a freakin’ medal for all the venting I have done in my life; and I’m not talking bronze status. I always go for the gold! It’s no surprise, since I’m a verbal processor that I can be a bit long winded too. Ask any of my personal priests and they will tell you that my confessionals can go on for days. Once I get on my soapbox, sit back and relax cause it’s about to go down.

Really, I have the kindest friends who constantly sit through this till I’m tired of the sound of my own voice. The conversation usually ends with a line like, “So, anyway… I’m gonna shut up now because I’m annoying myself.” I don’t know how they haven’t stuck hot pokers in their ears or stuffed a sock in my mouth.

My latest victim was my older sister, Tanya. I spent a good hour on the phone with her ranting about my ex and the suck factor of the aftermath of our failed relationship. Most days, I want nothing to do with my ex. He too closely resembles the “good cop, bad cop” from the Lego Movie, without the redemption. One day he just flipped a switch and my whole world went into a tizzy. The worst of it is that it hasn’t found it’s balance again. I’m still sifting through the debris from the tornado that was our short relationship.

After we broke up I felt like I couldn’t trust people or myself. How had I made such an error in judgment? How did I not see this coming? How can someone be so two-faced? Trust flew out the window like a flock of doves and I was left with deep pain, confusion, anger, etc… Eventually, the pain subsided. Thank God, because there were days I didn’t think I was going to make it through. Days were I was sure I was gonna cave in on myself. Truth be told, I had never felt heartache like that in my whole life. Finally coming out of the other end was more than a relief, it was salvation to my burnt out emotions.

However, every now and then the scar aches; and all this sh$t gets stirred up that I don’t know what to do with. I already know all the well intentioned advice. You’ll heal. Things wont always be like this. You wont always feel like this. All of which means nothing in those moments. All that really matters is the raw emotion coursing through your veins. The need to scream, to fight, to curse, to be angry over the injustice you feel in your heart. That you were wronged and yet you are the one still dealing, still feeling. That he doesn’t deserve to be missed by you, but he is. That he isn’t worth the upheaval he caused, the energy you exert just trying to feel like your old self. The one without the bitterness and cynicism. That you have to live in the unknown, thinking he’s doing just fine and your still struggling, without an apology or explanation. Without feeling defended or avenged. Without finding the better thing. With nothing. You get nothing; and for all the lessons you learned and the personal growth you went through, it still doesn’t feel worth the pain you endured.

It’s this kind of thing that makes you realize that life sometimes sucks; and that there are cases where there is no rhyme or reason to it. It just is what it is, end of story. Six months later and very little has changed. You would give anything to return to the blissful ignorance of days past. You would do anything to trade in your “wisdom” for the naive hope you used to hold on to. I have been so angry I couldn’t think straight. So distraught I physically ached. So changed I don’t recognize who I’ve become; and all I can think is that it’s this a&$hole’s fault.

The one saving grace I have, is also the thing I fume over most. None of what I just said was present when we broke up. I still felt so much love and kindness toward him. So much compassion that I was able to be the bigger person. I said my peace with class and sophistication. As grateful as I am that I didn’t degrade myself or stoop to an ugly level, I’m also pissed because it’s more than he deserved. Now I want to tell him like it is, I want to inflict physical harm, whatever it takes to wake him up. It’s that need for him to understand what he did to you; and maybe in some weird way you think that if he did, it might fix you.

The conclusion is that life goes on and you go on with it. Maybe there isn’t some higher purpose to what you’ve just gone through. Maybe nothing ever gets resolved and you’ll remain hanging there for all your days. Some things don’t get closure. Some things just are. It’s harder when things are this way. It makes it more difficult to heal, to feel like it wasn’t all for nothing. It makes it harder to move on and open up again because we, humans, are great at hurting each other and not so great at loving each other. That is what’s real. The end.

Congratulations, you all have just become another one of my priests! And you got the mild version.

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