Love is a tricky subject. It seems our opinions of love morph with every tide of change of in our own lives. One minute we are hopelessly optimistic, that when we least expect it Mr. or Mrs. Right is going to come waltzing into our lives. Of course it would be right at the time when we’ve gotten everything “figured out” and have finally tapped into the true essence of who we are and what we’re all about. Self-love is attractive after all. The next minute however, you can’t even look at an attractive potential, who keeps glancing in your direction because cynical thoughts overrun your mind, pulling at the last remaining thread of optimism you have left. Thoughts like,Yeah, they look, but they wont do anything further or It wont last, so why bother? I seem to be on that end of the swinging pendulum these days.
My best friend is in town for my birthday and has confidently informed me that I have been in this place before. Making my declaration of love scorned and swearing off relationships, period. This times feels different though. Maybe it’s because I am still picking up the pieces from my last relationship that obviously shattered me and robbed me of my naive hopeless romantic side. I used to be the type that believed that against all odds and in the face of impossibility love would prevail. Even in my discouraged rants when I was lonely and craving love and affection, I always held on tight to this, even when it really was just grasping at air. What’s the difference now? The difference is my inner dialogue, the first thought that pops into my mind is one of pessimism and doubt; and I feel shaken to the core because of it. Like I’m having some kind of outer body experience and some dark and evil twin has taken over. I just don’t feel myself, if you know what I mean. How do I get back?
Time heals all wounds, right? I can attest to that, but the scar left over is permanent. What if the wound heals wrong, leaving you with a nasty, twisted looking scar that still aches every now and then? How do you get rid of that scar?
My best friend feels pretty confident that I can get back on track and be who I once was, but I feel changed; and not temporarily. I think she knows that. I think she knows that I wont ever be who I was. Heartbreak changes you; but I do think she believes that I can change for the better. Take the wisdom I gained from my experience and move on, move forward with a more mature perspective, but learn to hope again. That just maybe, my first thought when it comes to attraction and love wont be so self-defeating. It’s hard to picture, to fathom that as a real possibility. Even as I write this post I feel my heart ache for the blissful ignorance of my past, but what is done is done. I know this because I can also feel the resistance to going back.
Maybe I just need more time. Maybe I need a Men in Black memory eraser or a time machine. Either way, something has to give. I can’t be in limbo forever, so either I heal and move on or I sink deeper. I know theoretically what is right? but I am realistically torn between fear and belief. There are places in me, still hurting, wanting to self-protect; but there is also a part of me scared of this new person I’ve become and wanting to be my old self again. I would love to say that the motivation for wanting to return to my happy loved up days is because I genuinely wanted a relationship and true love, yatta yatta; but I literally don’t have the desire. It’s like something in my brain goes to immediately cock block me when I see a cute guy from taking it any further than noticing his looks. It’s because I want to have hope to hope again, whatever that means. What can I say? I’m all tied up. Here’s to hoping the web unravels and fast!