Last night I was at a crossroads. I knew, with stunning accuracy might I add, that as soon as I posted the entry I would receive a phone call from my best friend, who would then proceed to tell me, in the most loving way, that I was being a complete moron. There was no doubt in me that it was because she is actually a good friend. One that keeps you accountable and holds you to the standards you hold yourself to. Not to mention it’s what I would have done if the shoe was on the other foot.
Truth be told, I agreed with her. I was achingly aware that I was making unwise decisions for my friendship and my heart. That’s what we do though, isn’t it? We make the decision we want, even when we know it’s bad, and then we fool ourselves into thinking their wont be consequences. Friends will administer the proper dosage of well intentioned advice, and we smile and nod genuinely taking it all in, hoping to God that when the time came we would listen to the angel on our shoulder and not the devil. We would listen to reason and sound council. Then… then the moment comes and it’s a hit or miss. It’s like shooting in the dark. Depending on how your feeling that moment it can go either way. When it comes to the opposite sex, however, it usually goes one way and one way only. The wrong way. Heart’s still in a tizzy and though the small voice is screaming on the inside to “do the right thing”, it’s barely a whisper above the raging storm of desire bubbling inside.
It all came down to this simple truth, that put this decision under the heading of “Soon to be Regret”. If there was even an ounce of possibility that either one of us could lose our minds and do something that crossed the line, something we couldn’t take back, than obvious wisdom is to step away and refrain. Did I think that was going to happen? not likely, but the chance of it was gnawing at me like a starving animal. I’m not talking about sex here. If you have read my blog it all you know I am virgin and proud, so that’s not I am referring to. Here is the other half of this truth. In all likeliness I would have gone out with my friend, had a great time and that would have been the end of it. Nothing scandalous or noteworthy, but it would have definitely had repercussions. If there is even an iota of attraction there, you would be fooling yourself to think that it wouldn’t end up blossoming into something more. As much as we kid ourselves into thinking we can handle it. That we are grown up and can just simply overcome, our track records show otherwise; at least mine does. I mean the definition of insanity is doing the same behavior over and over and expecting a different outcome. It’s what I’ve been doing, practically my whole life. So, you justify and reason yourself into thinking it’s okay, and what happens? The bitch blows up in your face. Then you usually wind up with the hurt feelings, the wounds to nurse and the crap to work through. The other person in your heartbreak scenerio walks away seemingly scott-free. I knew this would be my fate if I went through with this.
So, there I was, not five minutes after I published the post and my phone rings. As soon as I pick it up laughter fills my ear. What the?!?! Has she lost her mind? Nope, she just thinks I have. Especially because we had just had an hour long conversation about why it was not a good idea and by the end of it we both felt somewhat safe about the outcome of all of this being in my favor. Again, barely audible whisper and raging storm. She spends the next hour laying things out, searching her own soul and all that jazz. I was slowly coming around; but what did it for me, what made me see the light, was scrolling through my Facebook feed and seeing at the top of my page that he had just checked into a restaurant with his girlfriend at that very moment. I kid you not, it was like a fog had lifted to reveal a freight train coming right at me. What the hell was I thinking? This was never gonna play out the way I saw it in my head. Never! It was suddenly very clear what I had to do.
It took some courage building, but after getting off the phone and stuffing my face with a delicious Smash burger I texted him and told him it wasn’t going to happen. I half truthed it and told him I wasn’t comfortable going on a “friend date” when he had a girlfriend. I felt it would have been counterproductive to dive into the deeper things behind it, like “I want to have your children,” just kidding guys. I said that purely for shock factor. He responded a few minutes later telling me that it was fine. He was trying to be there for a friend and then asked if I still wanted to be set up with John Doe, who I found out has a name… Jeff. Jeff is still a mystery to me and I decided to keep it that way. Makes life more interesting. What didn’t help me in this dialogue was the tack on comment of, “I like our conversations!” Well, me too, but now there over.
In conclusion, I am still in a swirl. My head is still in a funny place, as it has been for the last couple of months and I am actively staying away from the coffee shop he works at because (A) I am embarrassed and (B) I need time. Time to heal, time to get down from the insanity cloud I have been floating on for the last couple of months. Truth be told, I don’t really know when the ride will be over. Soon, I hope. Till then Mr. Wrong had to die or at least go into deep hidding. But never fear my Little Darlings, I will still have my birthday adventure. It will consist of my best friend, whom I haven’t seen in over a year, coming to visit; and will involve book nerdom, tattoos, hysterical laughing, birthday cigars and just good, clean fun! So, don’t weep for me. A single tear will do nicely.