John Doe and Mr. Wrong

So, the saga of John Doe continues… or does it? If you’re wondering who John Doe is you might want to back track on this blog to the entry entitled “28 and Never Been on a Date”, it will explain everything. Here is the update for all you curious readers. As soon as my head lifted off the pillow the next morning and what I had done popped into my head, like I was recovering from a drunken stupor, the first words to enter my thoughts were, “O, no!”. The thing of it was that I didn’t have the luxury of blaming intoxication for my poor decision making skills. Nope, this was done entirely sober, though I will say I did have a “mind-altering” substance coursing through my veins called feelings. The idiotic, girly kind that can throw every ounce of wisdom you have out the window in a matter of seconds. Currently, I am still under the influence;  and I will tell you why.

The next time I saw my friend I asked him if he had contacted John Doe and told him about me and he said he had. I had every intention of recinding my request, but when I heard that I figured it would be too much drama to have to go through the trouble of taking it back once it was already out there. I did vocalize my hesitation, to which he responded with reassurance and positivity, even telling me John Doe got all nervous and blushy when the blind date was mentioned. How endearing right? Well, it did nothing for me but cause the feeling of dread to rise higher and higher in my chest. Suddenly visions of two complete strangers sitting across from each other at a dinner table painfully trying to fill the awkward silence began dancing like sugar plums through my head. Is this what I really wanted for my birthday adventure?

Let’s face it, the great fantasy of spontaneity and flying sparks that I had imagined was just that, a fantasy. Reality was overwhelmingly disappointing in comparison; and with my track record it would guarantee to be a disastrous evening. I love myself, but I am not the girl that “gets the guy”. I am not the girl that guys fall in love with. I am the girl that guys think about momentarily and quickly forget. Guys have definitely liked me and maybe one or two fancied being in love with me, but it was far from a fairy tale. No sparks, no undeniable gravitational pull, no madness.

So, remember when I said I suddenly was having visions of my friend taking me out on this date instead? Well, he casually brought up the idea of him taking my out if his friend didn’t. Granted, I feel like this was more out of pity and obligation than anything else, but I immediately jumped at the possibility. The idea of being with someone I knew wouldn’t be awkward or hard to talk to was more than appealing. Not to mention I would still be getting my birthday adventure. Noticing my not so subtle preference, we both settled on it. This is an example of being “under the influence”. My friend is not a good choice for be to be going out with for the reasons previously mentioned in my older post. I can just see my best friend rolling her disapproving eyes as she’s reading this. Now she’s rolling them because of what I just said. The point is, I did it, I said yes. So, we are going out on this “friend date” and I’m suddenly feeling like a teenager.

I’m trying to decide what I think and feel. The uncertainty is making me feel like a kid with raging hormones and not a lot of sense. I am master at justifying things and reasoning things I want into being acceptable. “He’s my friend, nothing is going to happen.” Right? Then the other side of my brain hears the voice of my best friend saying, “All it takes is one second of weakness to make a huge mistake that you can’t take back”. So, what’s really in question is my self-control. If at the root I really am who I think I am, who I claim to be. His is a friendship I don’t want to give up and I know most of this is coming from simply being at a vulnerable place in my life. Unfortunately, times like this make me more emotional than rational. So, this may be the time to batten down the hatches and wade out the storm in safety. We haven’t made any definite plans and I am actively staying away (juvenile, I know). That doesn’t mean he wont contact me to set everything up. It also doesn’t mean that I wont do it. Sorry, Little Darlings, the jury is still out on this one? But, I will definitely keep you posted.

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