O, the crazy things we do when our feelings are in a swirl. You can be the most level-headed person, but there are moments that are just out of your control in terms of how your emotions can affect your actions. You could genuinely think it’s an inspired idea at the time, but when the dust settles and the cloud of gloom has lifted you’re left with a panic induced episode of doubt and anxiety. Such questions as, “What was I thinking?” or “Who was that speaking those words out of my mouth?” come to mind. As well as thoughts like, “I’m an idiot” and “Time to change my name and move to Mexico”.
Here is why I am having my own mini episode right here on the blogosphere. My ten year high school reunion was three days ago. No matter how “over it” you feel about your high school days you can not help but reminisce and reflect as you sift through the pictures of your old classmates desperately trying to recapture their youth and generally making asses of themselves. Reflection is dangerous at this time in my life because all the things I thought were going to happen by now, didn’t. I’m not married, I don’t have children and I am not an Oscar award winning actress. Now granted, some of those dreams change, but still, you ask yourself what you have to show for the last ten years of your life. I happen to be at a “starting over” phase in my life. I’m just going back to school to finish my English degree. I just got out of a relationship, that may or may not have scarred me for life; and I’ve never had sex, let alone had children, unless emaculate conception is still a thing happening in the world. So, in conclusion, I don’t have a lot to show for myself, by societies standards. I have a lot of personal growth and self-awareness to show for it. I have a lot of identity building and obstacles I’ve overcome, including addiction (Three years sober, thank you!). It also doesn’t help that I am turning 28 in less than a month.
All I wanted for my birthday was to go on an actual date. I have had many relationships in my life, my first non-secret, semi-serious one being at seventeen; but I have never been taken on an actual, grown-up date. You would think that this would be an easy dilemma to solve, not so much. In my community, guys think they have to know if they are going to marry you before even asking you to coffee. I don’t want that kind of pressure, cause at the point of the first date, I don’t even know if I want to be friends with this person, let alone marry them; so that’s out. I can’t just go trolling some dating site either, because I have this little annoying thing called standards. I’m still a Nancy Drew loving good girl. I wont be having sex or getting drunk, so that’s out.
So, this is what I thought of instead, I would ask my one friend who doesn’t share my same beliefs and hopefully he would know someone. How did I go about doing this? The cowardly and safe way of course, text message. The problem with that is that I happened to build the courage to do it while at the coffee shop he works for, not knowing he was there. He comes strolling over and I lose all my nerve. I may have let a dirty word slip out of my mouth as he walked up. My roommate is just as much a ball of nerves as I am trying to help me articulate my request, while the guy next to us (who we don’t know) is giggling at us. My friend agrees to help. He thinks he may know someone and told me he would “take care of it”. Great, right? Wrong! Now is the waiting game. Not to mention that out of no where all I can picture is my friend going on this date with me. I don’t know if it’s because I feel safe with him or if I have genuinely lost my mind and started liking him again, but either way it’s a big NO-NO. First off, he doesn’t think of me that way. Second, he has a live-in girlfriend, whom he’s been in a relationship with for three years (the reason I stopped liking him in the first place). Three… That’s pretty much it, but it’s enough.
All that to say, now I’m have reservations, but I’m going to be brave and try and stick it out. It’s only one night. I don’t plan on ever seeing or speaking with John Doe after that night. It’s my time of letting my hair down and having a real life adventure, instead of just reading about them in books. So, I have decided to chronicle this trainwreck for all my loyal readers. I hope that if nothing else, someone out there can get some enjoyment out of my ensuing tragedy.
P.S. This is the photo I posted on my reunion Facebook page. Don’t you dare judge me!